The Pez™ Alternative Physics Challenge

The challenge is to get the PEZ mechanism to dispense something else. The problem is that, as bad as PEZ assuredly are, they — and they only — are designed, specifically engineered and crafted, to be dispensed by the unique PEZ "tracheotomy" mechanism.

It's like this. This will work:

         
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                 o
       gate ====   ====
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                 V

... and this will not work:

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              o-----o 
       gate ====   ====
                

What could be more clear?

The shape of the dispensee candy is of the utmost importance.

In order to make this more clear (if it is possible) two grape Pez were scanned in an ordinary flat-bed scanner. Here are the unretouched results:

iiiQiQQQXIQvnnvlenZWWWQQiQiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiif                 
iQiQQQQWX:QvvvvinnX#mWQQQQQQiQiQiiiiiiiiiiiif                 
iQiQQiQW=l<vvvlinvX#mWWWQQQiQQiQiQiQiQiQiiiif                 
iQiQiWQW=IivvviivnX##mWWWQQQQiQQQiQiQQiQiQiQf                 
iQiQQQQW=I<vvviinvX##mWWWWQiaauXZXwaQiQiQiQif                 
iQiQiQQW=vQvvviivnX##WaaaXXZZXZXXXZXoQiQiQiif                 
iQiQQQQWX:ivvvQivnXaXXZZZXXZXZmXXXZ#S%iQiQiQf                 
iQiQQQQW=:ivvviivn#X#XXXXZZZXXXSSXZXXlQiQiiif                 
iQiQiQQW=IivvviivnX3ZZZXXXXXXZXXXXe*lQiQiQiQf                 
iQQQQQQW=IQvvviivnXZ3XZZXXXXe*1iQQQiiQiQiQiif                 
iQiQiQQW=IivnviivnXZ#I**YlWWQQiQQQiQQiQiQiiQf                 
QiQQQQQW=livnvlivnX##mWQWWWQQQQQQiQiiQiiiiQif                 
iQQQQQQW=linvvvivnX##WWWWQQQiQiQiiiQiiQiQiiif                 
QQiQQQQm=livvvvivvZ#mWmQWQQQQiQiQQiiiQiiiQiif                 
iQQQQQWW=linvIvivnZ#mWWWWQQiQQQiQiiQiQiQiiQif                 
QQQQQQWWolioXXXXXsm#mmmWWQQQQiQiQiQiQiiQiQiif                 
iQiQQQQm=uXZZXXXZXXa#WWWWQQQQQQiQQiQiQiQiQiQf                 
QQQQQQWWHXZXXXXXXXZXoaZWWWQQQiQQQiQiiQiQiQiif                 
iQQQQQQW=MXZmSSXXXXXZXo%WWWQQQQiQiQiQiQiQiQif
QQQQQQWWoviSnXXXXXXXXXZZo>QQQQiQQiQiQiQiiQiif                 
iQiQQQQWnIivv3XZZXXXXXXZXzQQQQQiQiQiiQiiQiQif                 
iQQQiQQm=vinvlvSXXZXXmXX2WQQiQiQQiiQiiiQiiiif                 
iQiQQQQW=livvIvi33XXXS*iWWQQQQQiQiQiiQiiQiQif                 
iQQQiQQWnvinvvvivvX#mWWWWQQQiQiQiiiiiiiQiiiif                 
iQiQQQQWnvivnvvivnZ#mWWWQQiQiQiQiQiiQiiiiiQif                 

Yes, there they are, in all their chalky, grape-y bad-ness.

It is almost as though they are laughing at us, along with their plastic dispenser friends — those superheroes and worse, badly reproduced in cheap plastic and given articulated Columbian neckties for the sole purpose of shadowing forth these horrid little bricks, these mini-soap-bars of shabby-ass sugar plus flavoring from God-knows-whence.

First solution: Inflatable Candy.

         
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  mechanism ==== | ====
                 ^
                / \ 
               /   \
              o-----o
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                 V

In this solution, as is eminently clarified by the diagram, the PEZ-shaped candy is extruded from the tracheal mechanism but immediately unfolds or reorganizes itself into its full-size, more palatable guise.

A recent report published in Post-Modern Candies: A Festschrift in Honor of Necco Wafers cites a study in which "smart foam" was utilized as a carrier for flavoring and other ingredients in specified test candies, in particular the popular "Emmetts!" brand bearing a touted resemblance to famed clown Emmett Kelly (they more closely resemble child TV star Danny Bonaduce). The foam-bolstered candies were subjected to X-ray bombardment, upon which they swelled to twice their normal size.

More recent efforts in these directions involve the use of nanotechnology, in which tiny programmed (but delicious) molecular robots — think submicroscopic Bonaduces with all the intelligence intact — rapidy re-build the very substance of the candy, attenuating it outward in all directions into a larger-sized but still sturdy unit.